Uh oh, am I really pregnant?

My pregnancy with Nikque was an unplanned one that occurred under unusual circumstances. Unusual because I became pregnant several months after Rodney ended our relationship in the “official and exclusive” sense anyway. I’m sure you have been given you insight into how difficult this break-up was for me, although probably not the right reasons. I’m not sure the reasons are significant, so I won’t go into details, but I’m happy to share it with you from my point of view, if you feel it’s relevant. From day one Rodney made no secret of the fact that he felt I had gotten pregnant on purpose to trap him. This was the first time I found myself perplexed at the length’s he would go to victimize himself, it didn’t matter to him that neither he nor I knew anyone who had gotten married, or even together because of a pregnancy, in the black community this is absurdly unheard of. I knew I hadn’t gotten pregnant on purpose, but my state of mind over the breakup in general contributed to a carelessness that did not and would not have existed prior to the breakup. I have a deep respect and reverence for parents and consider parenting the most important responsibility any person could ever have. I’m not afraid to admit I was frightened by the seeming insurmountable task that lay ahead. I had planned to live my life without having any children of my own, figuring that if I adopted a child at the right point in my live, I could give that child a better life than being raised in one foster home after another. I’ve always been strongly rooted in my values, and I have a very high moral standard for myself, not one that I attempt to impose on others, but one that provides me with a clear conscious. The foundation of my value system is above all, never to intentionally inflict hurt of any kind on another person and when possible, try to ease the inevitable pain and hurts that are a normal part of each of our lives. Like anyone, I’ve missed the mark on occasions, but certainly no more than the average person does, quite possibly less because I am so committed to and aware of the necessity to make the effort. With that foundation, I gave Rodney a choice; I offered him the freedom to COMPLETELY walk away from this situation, a man can not get any further away from being trapped than that. My foundation for that decision was that if I could abort a man’s child against his will (although, Rodney did NOT object, but desired a termination of pregnancy in this case), then it was only fair, to give him the opportunity to get out just like I could. Naturally I’m met more people than not who found this logic flawed, but I greatly appreciate those who recognize the morality of my attempt to be as fair as possible in my opening the door for him to walk away. I’m would suspect that today we are all seeing the effect of “forced parenting” and how much more harmful it is than an absent parent. At the time, the decision to tell Rodney about the pregnancy at all was a dilemma, today, it is regret. I knew he wouldn’t be happy with the situation, but I also remember specifically asking him in the early weeks we dated; if I ever learned I was pregnant and I knew my decision, would he want to know about it, no matter what. He had said yes, that answer was no closer to the truth than many other declarations he had made before and since. But not know that at the time, I felt it would be unfair to ask the question, find myself in the situation and fail to meet the standard I felt I had set by asking the question. I went one step further and also asked, “If I told you that you had a choice, 1) I terminate the pregnancy or, 2) I carry the child to term, but you raise the child without me, what would you do”. He said he would chose to raise the child on his own over abortion. Asking the question was nothing more than my attempt to get to know Rodney better (I still believe having similar values in a relationship is important), however, I still have no idea why he answered the way he did as clearly, his behavior has not reflected that position. I specifically remember telling Rodney that if by some chance I were to ever get pregnant, I hoped I had the strength (and fully expected) to have an abortion, but having known several women who had abortions over they years, and I’ve never met anyone who felt prepared for how it affected their life and for how long – male and female.